When a pet has to be put to death in order to end their pain and suffering, we tell childen that they were "put to sleep." When an older relative dies, we frequently tell children that "they have gone to a better place."
These statements are very upsetting and confusing to children. In extreme cases, children are afraid to go to sleep, because they do not want to disappear like their pet. In other cases, they cannot understand why their grandfather or other beloved relative had to leave them in order to go "someplace better."
When I wrote the Kindle book, "Dangerous Lies We Tell to Children and Ourselves," I discussed some of the resentments that adults often feel for decades after they have grown up, because of the way they were told (or not told) about the death of a loved one.
When we do not talk to children honestly about death, they feel they have been lied to. In addition, we lose the opportunity to teach them about the grief process. We also lose the opportunity to share our own grief with them and allow them to share their grief with us.
It is okay to tell children that someone died, and that you know how much they will be missed. It is also perfectly acceptable to explain to children that we hope to see our loved ones again someday, but that we do not know for sure what happens after death. Children respect honesty. When they feel they have been deceived, they don't know who or what to believe.
Did anyone ever confuse you because of the way they talked about death? Share your story below.
You are reading from the blog: http://lies-and-liars.blogspot.com/
Photo of Arlington Cemetery courtesy of http://www.morguefile.com/
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